Guilt and Kissing a Sleeping Prince
by Renee20061918
Summary: Outtake from my other story 'I Loved You'. Edward's point of view of the events that traspired, from his mistakes to his guilt. EPOV


**24/08/12 - Hey guys! So I'm really sorry, but hopefully I'm back! I'm re-uploading this, and will be posting in another site, since ff is deleating so many stories. Thank you!**

**Hi! So I decided to write an outtake of what Edward's going through. This is parallel to chapter four, so we'll see why Rosie is so upset.**

**Enjoy!**

**A/N: I don't own**

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_So fucking tired. Wish I'd stayed at the hospital. What if Jasper wakes up and I'm not there? I need to explain so much..._

Edward had spent the last two weeks in a daze. He woke up, showered, had breakfast, went to school, to the hospital, then home to finish the homework he hadn't managed to in the hospital and into bed.

He knew that his presence was not altogether welcome, but no one would stop him from visiting his Jasper!

John and Caroline (as they had insisted he call them - 'you're our boy's best friend!' - didn't understand why Rosalie and Emmett were so cold towards him, but decided to stay quiet and let the kids work their issues on their own, they had their son in a coma to focus on after all.

He wished Rosalie would just lighten up. He had apologized! He didn't throw in her face how she had been a bitch most of the time, so who the fuck gave her the idea that she could be a total bitch towards him just because he made a mistake?

_A mistake you continue to keep making. _

He scowled at his own traitorous thoughts and shook his head sadly. It wasn't his fault. If Rosalie was just a bit nicer, or if Emmett could just stop grimacing anytime he was in a ten foot radius, he would have stopped hanging with Jacob and the guys.

_No, you wouldn't have. You're a fucking coward._

He shook his head again, as if the movement would disperse his thoughts and cranked the radio up. Anything to stop thinking.

The song changed and a familiar song started pumping out of his car's speakers.

**All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.**

His hand shot forward to change the tune, but stopped an inch away. It was Jasper's favorite song. Well, one of his favorite songs. He had explained to Edward how he just felt connected, how he could understand the lyrics perfectly.

_"It talks about how hard it is, life. How we can be surrounded by people, but still so alone. How you can feel so invisible and alone, unheard. It tells a story, you see. It talks about something that everyone feels once in a while. Defeated."_

_Edward looked at Jasper for a moment before he burst out laughing._

_"You're full of shit Jas!"_

_"No." Jasper responded with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "You're just so wrapped up in your happiness that those feelings don't get through to you."_

_He turned away towards the window before shaking his head and turning once more towards Edward._

_"Now what do you say to some Halo?"_

**And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.**

The memory of Jasper, vibrant and healthy paired up with that line of the song made Edward park the car a few moments, lest he drove into a tree as he could not see through the tears any longer.

He rested his forehead against the steering wheel a few moments while his sobs subsided. He let the song wash over him, remembering Jasper. Jasper laughing. Jasper studying. jasper crying. Jasper Jasper JASPER.

He hit the wheel with his fists, not understanding the rage that had befallen him suddenly.

_It's Jasper's fault. If he hadn't decided to fucking kill himself everything would be fine! I wouldn't be acting like a fourteen year old girl PMSing._

_That's not true. _A voice told him viciously. _If you hadn't been suck a fuck-up you'd still have him. You could be meeting up like always, only instead of playing Halo, you could be loving each other. You ruined it. You ruined HIM._

"NO!" Edward yelled while fisting his hair in his hands. "It was NOT my fault! It wasn't..." He finished in a small broken voice.

"I didn't mean it."

He closed his eyes tightly before looking at the clock and swearing. He was late. He sped towards the school and ran to class, making it just as the teacher was closing the door.

"Close call Mr. Cullen."

"Sorry sir." He mumbled, keeping his head down while looking for his seat.

He spent the remainder of the day in and out of day dreams, or well, day nightmares.

_He sat in his car Monday morning, sweating as if he had just finished a run, breathing almost to the point of hyperventilation._

_He had fucked his best friend. What were his parents going to say? His friends? Oh God Jasper! He hadn't talked to him since he slipped out his bed a little after dawn. What if he hated him? Wait - What if he OUTED HIM? But no, he had said I love you back. He had! But what if..._

_What if. What if. What if!_

_He had to find out. Had to talk to Jasper in private, work out what they were (hopefully more than friends), where that blissful night left them._

_He got out of the car and into the school. All day he couldn't concentrate, torn between blissful remembrance of Friday night, and panic at the though of Jasper rejecting him._

_It wasn't until he sat down for lunch that he remembered that they didn't share lunch period on Mondays. Shit. The wait was killing him! _

_He was about to say 'Fuck it' and message Jasper to ditch class so they could go for a ride and talk when Jacob, Sam and Alec showed up at the table._

_"...so then the faggot got on his knees and begged. Begged! It was hilarious 'don't please leave me alone, please!'" Jacob recounted in a high falsetto voice. "'I didn't do anything to you. Please leave me alone!' It was funny as hell. Fucking faggot, as if existing wasn't enough, right!" He high fived the rest of the guys as they all agreed and threw more slurs toward whatever poor soul Jacob had apparently beaten up._

_"So yeah, i would say my weekend at my cousins was a success! One less queer in the world!" He howled. _

_He turned his head to look at Edward who had frozen in shock and fear._

_"What the fuck crawled up your ass and died Cullen? You look as if you had seen a ghost!"_

_"You - you killed a guy?" Edward whispered quietly and tremulously._

_"Fuck no man, but if it weren't illegal, I totally would have put that queer out of its misery."_

_"It? __**IT?**__ For fucks sake Jacob! That was a person! What the hell were you thinking? You're out of your fucking mind!" Edward whisper-shouted while scrambling for his things as fast as he could. He had to get out of there. He had to tell Jasper._

_A hand on his arm stopped him. "What the fuck's wrong with __**you**__? Fags are not people Cullen, they're abominations! Or what?" He sneered tightening his hold on Edwards arm as he did so. "Are you trying to tell us that you're a fag now? Finally allowed Whitlock to stick his dick in you? Is that it? Or did you think it would make you more of a man to stick your dick in his ass?"_

_Edward blanched even more if possible. He felt as if he was going to throw up._

_"Wh- what are you talking about Black? Jasper and I are just friends."_

_Jacob snorted, as did the others. "Don't think we didn't see you leave Friday. You were stumbling and laughing, __**hanging **__off of each other. __**Caressing**__." He said with disgust. "Asked you where you where going, and you just giggled. FUCKING GIGGLED!"_

_Edward stared at Jacob long and hard. He gathered his resolve, and even as his heart was breaking responded._

_"I'm not a fucking fag Black." He said as icily as he could manage. "But if you keep holding onto me, I may very well think that __**you**__ are. We wouldn't want that would we?"_

_Jacob took a moment longer to search his face, and appeared to have found it when he let go of his arm and slapped him noisily in the back while laughing._

_"Had me worried for a moment there Cullen! Let's eat the, lunch's almost over!"_

_Edward sat down once again. His mind filled with Jasper's cries of pleasure and declarations of love, all tainted by Jacob's hateful gaze and words: 'Fucking Fag'._

_The rest of the day passed in a blur while he considered skipping gym, but his body had other plans as his feet took him to the locker room. He stayed with his front facing the lockers while he thought._

_'This is Jasper's fault. if he wasn't so damn beautiful. If he didn't have so much warmth and kindness. He made me love him! He shouldn't exist! He damned me!'_

_That was the exact moment jasper chose to enter. Edward didn't know what he was saying, but he knew he slapped Jasper's hands when they went to touch him. He couldn't allow his to touch him, or he'd forget his anger and kiss him senseless. he couldn't do that. For both of them. But then jasper had to go and look so adorably confused, with his blue eyes and tanned skin. Edward ranted, he said everything he didn't mean, everything he could to hurt Jasper just as much as he was hurting. He loved him. He loved him and they couldn't be together._

_H hadn't realized they had company, as focused as he was on the broken angel in front of him, but soon realized with dawning horror what he had done. He had outed Jasper. He had outed Jasper to very dangerous bigots. If the look upon Jacob's face was any indication, whatever Edward has yelled at the blond angel had been bad. He had ruined everything. He had broken whatever relationship they could have had. He had broken himself. He had broken Jasper._

He was woken up from his memories by the final bell ringing. He had lost an entire day to his memories, to everything he had lost because of his cowardice.

He left the school on a daze, wanting to be near Jasper. Near but not touching. What if he broke him again? He wouldn't touch him until Jasper woke up and damned him for driving him to the edge. Or forgiving him.

_That's ludicrous. He'll never want to see me again._

He felt the tears coming again and held them back. Maybe he'd touch Jasper's hand today, who knew when he'd have the chance again? But no, he couldn't. It could lead him into doing something crazy: like kissing those pink pouty lips.

"Hey Cullen!"

He had been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't realized that waiting for him by his car were Jacob and his gang.

"Black." He responded warily.

After coming out to his parents and finding Jasper almost dead, he had kept his distance from Jacob. Choosing instead to sit by Mike, Tyler, Ben and Eric. Genuinely nice guys who always asked about Jasper's well being. They didn't mind him being gay apparently.

"We haven't seen you in a while. Been hanging out by the fag's bedside? Waiting for a chance to pull the life support?" The all laughed while Edward tried to keep the lid on his anger. "Or are you waiting to kiss him? see if that wakes up the sleeping princess?"

He snapped.

"FUCK YOU BLACK! You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about!"

"Yeah?" Jacob goaded him. "So what, you gonna explain it to me **faggot**?"

Edward reacted so fast no one saw it coming. He punched Jacob in the jaw. Hard.

"YES! ALL RIGHT? I FUCKING LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY FUCKING SOUL! I. LOVE. HIM!" He took a deep breath. "So I'm a little faggot. What are you going to do? Are you going to punch me? Go right ahead. It won't change me liking men, just as much as that punch didn't change you from being a small town minded bigot with the brain the size of a walnut."

Jacob just looked at him and laughed.

"I knew you were a fucking queer!" He sneered then. "You're going to get it Cullen, just as your little faggot boyfriend got it. Maybe if we're lucky you'll both try and off yourselves this time."

"Screw you. But don't think you'll get away with it. You'll regret the day you say that the 'little faggot deserved it for being so fucking disgusting'." Edward answered with barely controlled rage.

He was about to really lay it on him when he heard a gasp from behind. He turned to find Rosalie and Emmett, the former with a hand over her lips, wide eyed and incredulous, the latter with a hard look upon his eyes, his jaw clenching.

"Rosalie..." He tried to speak, but both turned and almost ran to their cars.

"Shit!" He cursed, while turning around to see a bruised Jacob smirking at him.

"Good luck with explaining why you just said that you Fag boyfriend deserved it Cullen."

With that he turned and walked away with his little followers behind.

"This isn't over Black! Don't you fucking dare touch him again!" Edward screamed at his retreating back.

Jacob just laughed and flipped him off.

With that, Edward hurried to his car and to the hospital, where hopefully he'd get to explain to Rosalie what she heard, while also hoping that Emmett wouldn't punch him on sight. He would tell them everything. Even how he loved Jasper, how as soon as he woke up, he'd try his hardest to earn his forgiveness, woo him later on. He'd tell them of his intentions, of how he planned of making things right. How he planned to make Jasper his, his to protect, his to love.

He sighed wistfully and started the car, speeding toward the hospital.

_Today I'll touch him again. I'll tell him about Jacob, everything, and if I'm lucky to get a few minutes alone, steal a kiss, even if that respiration tube is on my way._

As he fantasized more about his beautiful angel he felt proud of himself. He had finally stood up to his demons. With some luck, everything might just turn out to be ok.

_If Rosalie and Emmett let me explain first._

With a lighter heart than he'd had in weeks, he parked in the visitors parking lot and walked with his head held high and his heart in his hands, finally ready to give it to its rightful owner.

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**So Edward is NOT a jerk! Hooray! Poor, poor Edward! Everything's messed up! **

**He'll have a lot of begging to do, but things always work out in the end.**

**Review and tell me your thoughts of this outtake!**

**Was Edward what you imagined? Misunderstandings are a bitch. Lol**

**xxx**


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